I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
