Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
