That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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