I want to have your abortion
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
