I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
