I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
