saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
