That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
