I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You made out with two different species that night
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
