She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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