im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
