i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
