Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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