its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
