Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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