Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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