I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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