Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
