Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
