I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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