Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
