In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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