Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
