I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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