Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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