i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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