He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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