I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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