It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
