My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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