he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
