So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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