Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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