I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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