You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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