I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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