Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
