FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
