yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
