I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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