there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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