fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
