There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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