I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
