I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
