ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
