why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
