I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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