U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
