He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
