Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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